Hey! If you are reading this, you already are making me happy. It means that, somehow, this little project is working, and it is getting its little share of attention. So yeah, before we start: thanks.
My name is Francesco. I play videogames, I draw dragons, I am a music junkie and I love Denise (you know, the girl usually writing on this blog).
Me and Denise, well, we have been a thing for a lifetime. We got together as teenagers, and we decided we liked it – so much we eventually left everything behind, we waved Italy goodbye and started a new adventure abroad. We ended up in a country where neither of us was (and still is) capable to speak the local language: Germany. At first we struggled a bit, but then we started figuring things out and got ourselves an apartment, jobs we enjoy, and even a cat.
Then, when finally things seemed to get pretty well, cancer happened.
You see, if there is something that I really am scared of, that is to lose the people I love. More than death itself, I dread the idea of seeing the people I treasure the most suffer and eventually die. It is something I bring with me since I was a kid, and it still lingers there, in a corner of my mind.
All of a sudden, there it was: all of my fears clumped into a small ball inside her chest – and nothing I could do to make it go away.
So you see, I ended up being the copilot in a racing car for a rally neither of us wanted to participate in, yet there we were, and we had to run. Giving up meant… well, it would’ve meant bad.
Such a situation puts things into perspective. You have no clue about what might happen, probably you don’t even know how to handle the situation nor you have any idea about what to do next.
I do not have the arrogance and the presumption to tell you what to do and how to react in front of this, but if you happen to be in a similar conundrum, maybe reading through my own experience might help, at least a bit.
Someone you care for has been diagnosed a cancer: this is what you should do (according to my experience)
Be a good copilot: this is not your fight, and it makes you feel powerless. Fact is, you actually are not: you are a support. Behave like that. Give moral boosts, keep a positive attitude, try to understand what needs to be done, one step at a time. Be the shoulder where to cry on. The whole situation is a mess, but it can be sorted out.
Rationalize: it is way too easy to panic, specially in the beginning. Take a big breathe, and get organized. Talk with doctors, get appointments, help understand what needs to be done and what results can be achieved, in how much time. Work with the truth, as sweetening bad news will just make it worse and won’t help anyone. Set up a goal and stick with it as good as you can.
Adapt to some changes: things will change. Routines will be different, specially if you live together with the affected person. If you plan to actively help and support, expect frequent doctor visits, weekly therapies, change of rhythms and even physical issues. Get ready to do as much as possible to make the changes bearable. Talk to your boss if you need to adapt your work schedule, get ready to fix any pre-existing weekly plans. This should be your priority now.
Distraction tactics: only thinking about/dealing with the illness is not okay, and not healthy. Usually, a person with cancer will spend most of the time home, and they need to keep their minds busy – as much as medicines and physical strains allow, of course. Play games together, listen or play music, find some quirky new hobby or try learning something new together. Netflix also works wonders, from time to time.
Take care of yourself: never forget to take care of your own mental and physical health, too. First of all, you won’t be of much use if you can’t keep your s**t together. Second, you also need it for your own well being. Find a hobby for yourself, get some “me time“, lose yourself in a book or in your favourite game, go to the gym. Don’t stop going to work unless strictly necessary. Talk about your own problems and worries: with your friends, your family, your partner. Remember that you also need comfort from time to time.
It is ok to cry: this applies to everyone. Get these emotions out of your system, take a deep breath, and get back to whatever you were doing.
Best wishes for your journey. See you at the finish line.