Yesterday, 1 year ago, was the day I found out that my left boob was trying to kill me.
So many things happened during this last year and so many things have changed, while some others, luckly, they stayed the same.
Thursday 13th of June 2019, was one of the hardest days in my life, and surely the hardest day of my Cancer Journey (mentally and emotionally wise).
A cancer diagnosis is a lot to process and it is a lot to deal with.
I bet nobody would have wanted to hear “It is bad, it is really bad, it is a tumor” but I heard it clear and loud and there isn’t much of a choice there, you need to pluck enough courage and act.
The only thing you can decide about is how you will face it, with what kind of attitude and mindset. For me it came naturally, it has been my normal and only way to deal with the disease. There never was any question about it, closing up on myself and crying about it was only an option for the first days right after the news.
I proudly drove through the positive way (of course, with ups and downs: I would’ve been a sociopath otherwise… well, that can also be possible) as I considered the negative side to be exhausting, self destroying and damaging.
Everything is already hard as it is, why should I make it even harder by being constantly negative and upset? Being angry is so energy consuming! (Note for myself: apply this cancer wisdom in your actual everyday life).
So I decided to live this journey as a pit stop. Time to pause whatever was ongoing, and take profit of this chance to start listening to my body.
How has cancer changed me?
I would love to say that cancer made me a better person but I actually think it didn’t, it may have changed me for the worse 😉
I have been, for the majority of my adult life, in a “zen” mindset, especially when away from family and friends, and I have always tried to think about everything and elaborate the thinking before actually talking about it, worrying myself to death if it would hurt someone.
Well… this is not really working anymore.
I really need to force myself to stop the flow of thoughts coming out. It’s as if the chemo killed the filter between my brain and my mouth, and even if I manage to shush myself on some occasions, you can quite easily tell what is going through my mind from my facial expressions and especially from my left eyebrow rising up on my forehead.
Summing up…
Time to be selfish – Me first and the Gimme gimmes
I said cancer made me more selfish: I bet that started even earlier than that, I guess it is an ordinary grownup thing, but I just realized it during this journey.
I made many choices in my life, based on what I thought could make people around me happier, for then realize that my decision or my behavior didn’t make them happier at all and I ended up to be unhappy as well.
Moving away from Italy was one of my first “selfish” decisions, it was hard but it made me feel alive and proud of myself and it keeps rewarding me even now.
I decided it was time to be 99% selfish, to put me on top of everything and anybody else, to take good care of myself and learn to know me more.
Stronger than yesterday
On the other side I must say that for sure cancer made me stronger.
While it kicked me on the physical side (I still need to completely recover) it was a good gym for my mind and mental health.
Learning to appreciate little things and take advantage of the good things that come with it
I learned to be happier with less (less hair, less appetite… no jokes!!)
I learned to be happier and to enjoy the little things. I enjoyed the time I could spend with my parents (which was ironically more than the time I spent with them when I was a kid).
While facing the hard times, I managed to enjoy many small things like day-long trips, concerts and more time for myself in general.
Love yourself
I cannot say that I completely accept myself as I am, I still have a long way to go, but I can say that I can stand me more than before.
Less talk more actions
Love the people around you, the ones you can count on if you have a visit or an appointment, the ones that even if they are physically far away they are always there on the other side of the phone, the ones that even if you say “I don’t need anything” they just come to bring you coffee or even Gin Tonic 😉
One year ago I was in Hamburg, scared as hell to communicate the news to family and friends and scared of what was coming next, a cancer journey ahead and many questions, only with my boyfriend and friends by my side.
Today I am in Berlin, still many questions in my head and a lot of uncertainty as to what my future will be, concerning work, geographically, and about my health.
But even though, I am happy and anxious to go back to work (hopefully soon), to pack my luggage for my next vacation and to book tickets for the next concert, now with my boyfriend and friends still by my side (some closer and some farther than before), and my family to cover my back too.